I’ve been working out for the past few months, trying to get my old (late-forties) body into shape again. I alternate workouts: One day I jog and the next I do push-up “burpees.” Although I’ve made good progress, I certainly understand why most people my age prefer the couch to the gym. This morning I went for a jog at the lake near my home. It’s beautiful there. The path that winds around the lake has some challenging hills that give me the endorphin rush I like. For those of you unfamiliar with endorphins, they’re produced by the pituitary gland during exercise and have an effect similar to opiates. When I get that euphoric endorphin high, I like to bounce ideas around in my head. First, I thought about some good novels that I’d like to re-read, such as Steppenwolf and Crime and Punishment. I especially enjoy Dostoevsky’s penetrating psychological insights. I wish I could write like him. Then, I thought about my mandibular advancement surgery scheduled for later this year that will involve cutting partway through my upper and lower jaws and moving them forward approximately one centimeter. Sounds charming, doesn’t it? If it cures my apnea, I’m happy to do it. I badly need more REM sleep.
Eventually, after having jogged a few miles, I moved on to my usual morbid ideation. I thought about how odd and alienated I can be, and even wondered if I might not have a mild form of autism, although Occam would say that it’s just my chronic sleep deprivation talking. Here’s a bit of insight into my psyche that I’ve only recently unravelled: While I’m getting to know someone, I’ll often be deliberately unpleasant and even rude. This is a defense mechanism, my way of “screening” possible new friends without having to invest too much emotionally up front and risk being hurt. If you pass the test, you’re my friend–whether you like it or not. Congratulations! Of course, this can be awkward, especially for new “friends” who can’t stand me because of my obnoxious behavior during the screening process. The funny thing is, once I begin treating them as friends, then we actually become friends. It never fails. There’s a lesson there somewhere.
